Dude….

I have a blog, apparently.

So it’s been a long time since I’ve updated this (I refuse to apologize, for extreme fear of becoming a stereotype) and to be honest I have no idea what I’m about to write about. I was reminded of the fact that I have a blog while chatting with a ladytype friend of mine this evening, so I decided to see if it was taken down or not. After trying for about 5 minutes to get the right username/password, I have returned.

I wouldn’t even be writing this post, except that to my extreme surprise, some people are still reading. Most days the number of readers is zero, but there’s been the odd day or two during my two months absence where the numbers have jumped as high as five.Always nice to know that there are people more bored than me out there.

So in terms of updates that are neither bragging, nor self depreciating (also a cliche) I have the following:

-I’ve been carrying around a mostly full bottle of onion powder in my book-shoulder bag for reasons that are unclear even to me at this point.

-Six Hundred dollars for school books. Christ.

-Dressed up as a Jewish cowboy for Halloween. I carried a bag of Jew gold around my neck all night (as well as a decoy bag) but did not meet anyone who knew the south park reference. I would have been very dissapointed with society as a whole, had I not been completely wasted.

-My girlfriend and I made a deal where if I went to see “The Time Travellers Wife” with her, she would come see “Inglourious Basterds” with me. I have yet to figure out which one of us was more disgusted by the other ones choice. Mine ended with a theatre full of Nazis being burned alive, sure, but I believe the image of Rachel McAdams bony, protuberant spine provided more lasting damage. Sick.

-Two months later, cake is still tasty.

So that’s pretty much it. Also, I fully recognize that being concerned about being a cliche, is in and of itself a cliche, so don’t bother pointing that out.

Random Thoughts 2

The following is a list of things I’ve been mulling over in my spare time (which accounts for most of my time) and paints a fairly accurate picture of the inner workings of my brain.

-I really hate when, during a performance of O Canada, the singer chooses to do one of the verses in French, and the rest in English. I have absolutely no idea why this bothers me. I have no problem with French as a language, and my affinity for Goldfinger’s version of “99 Red Balloons” proves that this doesn’t extend to all multi-lingual songs. Weird…

-I have three different sticks of Old Spice, all with names (Mountain Rush, Pacific Surge, and Smooth Blast) which are not smell specific. It occured to me today that these three items could easily smell completely different and I wouldn’t notice. This could have to do with the fact that I live on the Atlantic coast, nowhere near mountains, and can’t really imagine what being smoothly blasted would feel like (though I bet there’s an immature joke in there somewhere.)

-I started buying yogurt in packs of 16, but there is one flavor out of the four provided that I really don’t like. Today at work I did the math and realized that by not eating those 4 cups of yogurt in each pack, I’m actually losing more money than I would if I just bought them all seperate.

-If I had to choose between being a Minotaur or a Centaur, I would pick Centaur. Since most of the photographs of me on facebook appear to be from the waist up, I feel like this would probably be less of an adjustment. Also I wouldn’t have to deal with people asking if I wanted to watch “Labyrinth” all the time.

Pretzel Eating in Zero Pairs of Pants

It’s 11pm on a Monday night, and the title of this post pretty much describes what I’m doing. My original title was going to be “Pretzel Eating and Blogging in Zero Pairs of Pants” but I was worried that might seem too long for a title, and also that the addition of “and blogging” was probably a given. Realizing quickly that I was giving this way more thought than was required, I typed in whatever.

Have you ever seen the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine gets frustrated with how many excuses her coworkers find to eat cake at work? Well it’s happening to me, kind of, except I have no will, or desire to fight it. And because my boss is on vacation, I had enough free time to make that connetion.

The key difference in the situation is that these cakes are too damn delicious to turn down. In the three months I’ve worked there, I would say that on average we eat cake every 3 or 4 days. Today’s was lemon. I don’t even like lemon, but I’m pretty sure the girl that makes these things laces them with heroin, because she has yet to make a cake that I could turn down.

Basically my lack of a will to fight against this oppressive, sugar based means of conformity stems from the fact that a) These cake parties usually take about half an hour out of the work day, and b) Cake is tasty.

Conclusion #1: Every office stereotype you’ve ever heard of is completely true. All of them.

Conclusion #2: In theory, the idea of the “birthday fruit tray” as opposed to the “birthday cake” would probably save lives down the road (diabeetus and the like) but the person (or people) who tried to insitute it would be ridiculed mercilessly.

Conclusion #3: Cake is tasty.

Posting for the Sake of Posting

It’s getting to the point where I would honestly consider paying people to play Risk with me, if I knew what channels to go through to arrange that. Feel free to pause for a moment to reflect on the various ways that reflects badly on me.

Today I ate 2/3rds of a sandwich that was too spicy, 3/4ths of a dessert that was too sweet, and all of a cup of yogurt that was just right. I briefly had the idea to dip the sammich in the yogurt, but thought better of it when I noticed the number of people around.

Most of all I’m beginning to realize that I can’t seem to form a blog entry around one solid subject anymore. Those two brief glimpses into my personality are some of the only interesting things I can think of to happen lately, and I don’t even want to try elaborating into them further.

I’m honestly too tired to think of much more to write, but I’ve committed myself to doing a blog entry every two days, since it creates a nice little zig-zag pattern across my stats page.

I can’t even think of a funny way to end this entry.

….

Random Thoughts

-Computerized boardgames are ridiculously boring when compared to their non-computerized counterparts, but for some strange reason are still addictive. I downloaded the Super Nintendo Monopoly game a few weeks ago, and have been playing consistently ever since, despite never once actually finding the game entertaining.

-My recent habit of taking yogurt to work as part of my lunch has drastically reduced the number of spoons in my kitchen drawer. Coincidence? Probably.

-Does anyone remember that old claymation show “Bump In The Night”? It was on in the mid-90′s and starred a weird green thing, his equally weird (possibly gay) blue friend, and some kind of frankenstein’s monster-esque childrens doll. I am currently staring at a pile of clothes in my closet, which reminds me of the character “the closet monster.” (The series took place in a little kids room.)

-Taco’s rule.

-If it weren’t for that xkcd comic I mentioned two days ago, I would not be writing this entry. A three day gap seems like it would be borderline slacking though. As you may have been able to guess, I just opened the “new post” tab and randomly wrote down the first things that entered my brain.

Oh No….

So while doing my daily slacking at work, I happened upon the new xkcd comic. My general feeling of boredom/hunger was quickly replaced with abject horror when I realized that this entire comic almost completely describes who I am, to a degree that makes me wonder if there are hidden webcams in my room that I’m not aware of.

Tries/fails to describe dreams? Check
Took french in high school but never again? Check
Couldn’t drink beer if my life depended on it? Check

So that’s 3/4 right there. My only saving grace is this blog. I have four entries in it already, this being my fifth. As you may have noticed from the four day posting gap (or you may not have, I don’t know if anyone actually follows this) I was starting to lose interest.

Not anymore. This blog is (ironically) the only thing preventing me from basically becoming “suck” personified. So sit back and prepare yourself for fascinating entries on such topics as “things currently on my floor that shouldnt be there” and “why a sandwich tastes better when you only put mayo on one slice of bread.”

Awesome.

Boredom

A rapid spreading disease, afflicting 90% of the young adult population in the maritimes; boredom is often referred to as the “silent, extremely dull killer.”

Living in a new city where the number of people I know has been drastically chopped, I’ve been doing the best I can to fend off boredom when possible. The problem is that, like many afflictions, boredom can and does strike me at any time during the day, and since I seem to do my best writing in list format, here is a list of the places I get bored, and the measures I take to combat them.

At Work: A common place for boredom, my solution for this one is to go play with my cell phone in the handicapped bathroom on my floor. With its well lit enclosures, and flattering mirrors, this is one of the best possible places for me to try and get past level 16 on BrickBreaker.

At Home: With ready access to internet, food, tv, and bed, you would think that the opportunities for boredom would be slim to none. If boredom does yield its ugly head, then my current method is to point my exercise bike (left in my apartment by the people I sublet from) in the direction of the tv, blast the fan, and get all up ons some final fantasy action. This has the dual effect of allowing me to nerd it up hardcore, while simultaneously melting those unsightly pounds and inches.

In Public: The last category I’ll touch on today, and usually a hard one to alleviate. Most people, when bored in public find their first instinct is to try making an excuse to get out of social obligations early. (i.e: “My family is in town” or “I think I have the typhoid.”) In a perfect world, I would be able to simply exclaim “this sucks” and walk away, free to attempt to salvage the rest of the day. Sadly I have some shred of compassion for others, so I usually just suck it up.

Yeah, so those three pretty much sum up my daily activities.

Oh, also I made the mistake today of buying apple juice made from green apples, instead of red. That has nothing to do with anything above, it just kind of sucks is all.

Book Learnering

As promised in yesterdays entry, here is a discussion on the various books I own. As of now, my entire collection consists of 16 books, which is 4 more than I owned one week ago.

- 3 of these books are humor based, with titles like “The Republican Playbook”, or “A Practical Guide to Racism.” These are generally amusing books, especially when someone you know stumbles across one, and accuses you of being Republican. This, despite living in a country with no Republican party.

-2 of these books deal with the subject of history’s greatest tyrants, from Nero, to Pol Pot. These are useful when I need a reminder that there are worse people out there than me. As a sidenote, that Hitler fellow seemed really unpleasant.

-2 of these books are ones I was forced to buy for a history class last year. They aren’t textbooks though, and when people see them, it gives off the illusion that I have layers.

-4 of these books are on the subject of pop culture, all written by Chuck Klosterman. These books help me to translate my encyclopedic knowledge of useless facts (i.e. Woody Harrelson’s father was an asassin) into intelligent social commentary. (I think)

-1 of these books I stole from my old high school, despite not really finding it all that interesting. If I take it off the shelf, it makes the other books fall over, so I guess it still serves a purpose.

-4 of these books are recent purchases of mine. Bearing in mind that a good chunk of the above books were gifts, this is a fairly big step for me. The reasoning behind buying these was so that I could simultaneously make myself smarter with very little effort, as well as have a practical way to stop people from talking to me on the bus.

As with everything I write, feel free to make your own assumptions about what all this says about who I am.

And for those of you who wish to know, (especially those of you who badger me about it through comments posted less than an hour after this entry) the books I bought are:
George Orwell’s “1984″ and “Animal Farm”
Jack Kerouac’s “On The Road”
Homer’s “The Iliad”

I Like to Buy Things Sometimes.

I have made one post so far, and if I considered myself a writer in any meaningful capacity, I would say I have a case of writers block. With that in mind, here is a list of recent purchases of mine. Feel free to create your own ideas of what these say about me.

1) Bed Head: A Hair Stick for Cool People. This is a hair product for people who are out of High School, and thus are no longer socially allowed to use hair gel. It’s exactly what it sounds like: a glue stick that you rub on your hair. It lasts long, and when you tell people that you rub glue on your hair, makes you sound interesting (among other things)

2) 14 inch High Velocity Fan. My bedroom reaches temperatures of 30+, even when it goes below 10 outdoors. Yeah….

3) The Iliad: Homer I’ve been on a book reading kick ever since I stopped believing that wikipedia leads to intellectual advancement. This appeals to my historical nerdiness.

4) One Slice of Acropole Pizza. Tastes like hapiness. And pizza.

5) Pants. It is in the best interest of society as a whole that I not walk around sans pants.

That’s all for now. While writing this I had an idea to make a post about my relationship with books (a friends with benefits situation at best) but that can wait until tommorow.

Reasons I Should Not Have a Blog

So, Ok:

1) My memory isn’t great, but I’m fairly certain I’ve spent at least 5 years making fun of people who blog on a regular basis. Even as I type this sentence, the word “blog” itself makes me hate myself just a tiny bit.

2) My life is massively uninteresting, and the idea of pouring over the tiny details of each day would probably result in me hurling myself in front of a train. Unfortunately, there are no trains on PEI.

3) I am hungover right now. The only reason this entry is being written is because I feel I am physically incapable of getting out of this chair, and I’ve run out of Wikipedia articles that I haven’t already looked up. Seeing as how I don’t get hungover often, there’s a good chance I won’t update much.

4) This thing is 99% pointless. The only reason it was made in the first place is because two friends (or maybe one, I don’t remember) have been hassling me to follow their lead and start blogging.

Damn, I really hate that word.

There’s a good chance they will be the only two people reading this, since I’m still trying to pretend on some small level that this does not exist. It should also be noted that these two friends already know everything about me, from my intolerance of lactose, to my irrational fear of starfish.

I think four reasons is enough for now. I’m going to go eat chicken and pretend that this isn’t here.